I will die if light touches me.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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