How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
