I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
