There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
