About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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