My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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