I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
