East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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