I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
