People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
