I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
