he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
being pregnant is like rehab
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
