you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
