Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
