Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
