I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
