watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
