I want to make a zoo with you.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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