You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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