When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
