i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
