And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
