my vag is so smooth its legendary
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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