watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
