i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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