3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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