No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
