I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
