hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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