My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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