Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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