i jhust puked up my retainher.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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