can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
