She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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