allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
