im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
