12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
