don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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