im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
