Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
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