you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
