I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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