I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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