yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
