i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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