Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
