I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
