Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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