i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
