Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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