I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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